Does Not, Can Not, Will Not
by shortcomings
Summary: Alina Starkov does not love the Darkling because love is not a never ending cycle of cat-and-mouse games and cruel taunting and the angry clash of lips on lips. [ Darklina drabble ] [ Rated T because it's Darklina ]
**So someone recently read the Grisha trilogy, developed an obsession, and naturally started writing fanfiction. This is not the first I've started, but it's the first I've finished so hopefully I'll publish more soon. Or maybe this is a horrible abomination and somebody needs to chase me with a pack of volcra back to the Shadowhunters fandom.**

 **This is just a small Darklina (which is my new otp) drabble which doesn't really have a plot and is the result of me vomiting a bunch of words onto a google doc. Does contain some mentions of Malina.**

 **I apologize if there are any grammatical or spelling errors. I wrote a good deal of this late at night/early in the morning and in typical me fashion was too eager to post it to give it more than a cursory glance.**

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 **Disclaimer: If I wrote the trilogy, it would've ended differently. And there'd be more Nikolai. And more Darkling. Nikolai and the Darkling are my new loves**

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Alina Starkov does not love the Darkling.

There are moments when she hates him less. Moments when she sees the lonely boy with too much power in his quartz gray eyes and is begrudgingly reminded of herself. There are moments when she forgets she hates him. Moments when her hands are tangled in his hair and his hands are gripping her hips, trying to pull her closer even though there is already no space between them and she can barely remember her name- much less that she's supposed to hate him- because the press of his mouth on her- her mouth, her jaw, her neck- is far too intoxicating. Moments when the only real thing is him and the waves of desire clouding her judgement and weakening her resolve, however temporarily.

Then in a flash of clarity she regains her senses, pushes him away, and goes back to hating him.

Alina Starkov does not love the Darkling because love is not a never ending cycle of cat-and-mouse games and cruel taunting and the angry clash of lips on lips.

Love is being curled up beside Mal, her head on his shoulder and his arm loosely curled around her waist. Love is the way she and Mal instinctively reach for each other's hand at the same time and the way her gaze automatically seeks out his when they're in the same room. Love is the tender, slow kisses that reassure her that he is there. Love is sweet and gentle and clear sunshine accompanied with cloudless skies.

Whatever she and the Darkling have, it's certainly not love.

Alina Starkov can not love the Darkling, because if she does it's proof that she does not love Mal as much as she once did.

It's proof that she is not oblivious to the way Mal dislikes her being in room with another man for even handful of seconds, even if he should know damn well that her relationship with said man is either platonic or nonexistent. It's proof that she notices the way a normally casual arm around her waist quickly becomes possessive, to the point making her feel like an object to be claimed. It's proof that she remembers the way Mal told her he wanted the old Alina back and he sometimes mistook her for a stranger. It's proof that she hasn't entirely been turning a blind eye to the way Mal drowns himself in kvas and other women after a particularly bitter argument.

It was admitting that she needed to let go of Mal, that she was losing him anyway.

Alina Starkov will not love the Darkling, because if she does she's scared she'll lose a part of herself.

She's scared of her hunger for power. She's scared of what she's willing to do for more. She's scared of the violent urges she sometimes gets. She's scared of Mal leaving her. She's scared of being alone. She's scared of letting more people past her barriers. She's scared that someone she trusts will turn and lodge a dagger in her back. She's scared of hurting Mal, Nikolai, Genya, Tamar, Tolya, and even Nadia and Zoya. She's scared of everyone turning against her. She's scared of descending to point that she needs to be killed. She's scared that no one will be able to kill her once she reaches that point. She's scared that in couple of centuries she'll be more like him than herself. She's scared she's already no better than him. She's so, so scared- and mostly of herself and how dark she's becoming.

He's always appealed to the darker side of her.

She does not love him. She can not love him. She will not love him.

She will not let that change. She will not let her powerful attraction to him grow into anything more.

As long as she can keep convincing the darkest parts of her soul of this, she's at least one step out of his reach. She's at least one step away of becoming what she fears. She's at least one step away from being consumed by the darkest parts of herself.

She's always been a terrible liar.


End file.
